Jun 1, 2012

It's Time!

It's finally time. I've been talking about it for a long time, and I've decided to step away from some projects, and actually start working toward meeting my goal; starting my career in development.

I've been talking about it for a while now, that I'm going to take the leap and go for it, but one thing or another has been holding me back. Mostly because I'm afraid. I'm not worried that I'm not as good as I think I am, but because so much is on the line. It's different for me now.

A few years ago, I would have just done it. Stuck my neck out and just held out until I landed something that I was interested in. I didn't have a family to support, and I always found a way to make ends meet until a job came along. I would do anything, and because of this, I've gained a lot of skills, but none of them are really useful for what I am trying to do now. It's a lot like starting over.

I'm afraid that I won't land a position. I'm afraid that with the economy the way it is, and companies having the ability to be choosy, they will. I need someone to take a chance, and try my skills out. I have been honing them for several years. Constant education, I spend every waking minute that I can learning and trying to better myself. I can fix a computer 1000 miles away without ever seeing it, but that doesn't look good on a resume. I'm putting myself through college to earn a degree just so that I have a piece of paper to show someone someday.

Meanwhile, I'm at a job that I loathe just to pay the bills that I have. I stay up half of the night every single night after work and spend my weekends with my face shoved into my computer or a book. I stay up between 16 and 20 hours a day just to make time to educate myself. Some days I don't even sleep at all and go for 2 or 3 days; it's occasional, but happens, and then I crash for a day to catch up.

If I'm not at my day job, I'm busy working on a project or learning something. I spend a lot of time alone. My wife gets frustrated because I spend so much time occupied with other things, and I have to keep telling her that this will all pay off someday, and hope I'm not lying; somehow she still holds out hope which is encouraging. I know I'm sacrificing time with my kids, but my goal is to have more time for them when I actually start my career and I can slow down.

It makes it even harder when I'm preaching to others that you should "never waste your life doing something you're not happy doing" but at the same time I am. I'm at a job that I absolutely loathe, but maintaining it in hopes that one day I will have a job I love, doing exactly what I want to do. I want to be happy, and have the life I've always wanted, but never have.

Its frustrating! I have all of these skills, but everyone wants to see the documentation. So far in school I have taken a bunch of technical classes and bought books I've never opened because I already know the information. Everyone I know comes to me or sends people to me to help fix their computer issues, but I can't get a job working in the field because everyone wants a piece of paper confirming that I know what I'm talking about. It's frustrating.

I need someone to take a chance on me, and I feel like I'm begging the world, and that's even more frustrating.

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