Sleep

Sleep.
Why do you evade me?
I'm an insomniac by nature, it's part of who I am and what makes me.


Why am I such an insomniac? I don't know. I go for days on little to no sleep, and then I crash and crash hard. I'll sleep for most of the day if I can get a chance; even if it's just a few naps throughout the day. I"ll sleep a good night, and then I'm back to the old routine. Up most of a week and then crash towards the end. I hear it's not a healthy lifestyle, but it's how I function. I can't seem to pull myself together when I try to maintain a normal sleep schedule like most people.

For the last week or so it's been different. I haven't fallen asleep before 3 or 4 am and then up between 7 and 9am. I just lay in bed, tossing and turning; a million thoughts cycle through my mind. That's probably my biggest problem, I can't shut my mind down, there is no "Off" button. What am I thinking about? Nothing in particular. It's not like I'm fixated on one particular thing, it's just everything. I think about my job, relationships, my future, my past, where I am in life, my job, my kids, what I hold dear, what I've lost, what I've gained... the list is unbearable and exhaustive.

Tonight, I figured I'd write a little bit. I've always found putting thoughts to paper to be therapeutic. While the rest of the family lay nestled in their beds, I'm sitting out on the porch enjoying the evening. It's my favorite type of night in my favorite season. The fall, the season of change. The moon is tucked behind the clouds and illuminating the sky a subtle hint of blue. There is a hint of a chill riding on the breeze this evening. It's beautiful. Where else would I rather be?

While I'm enjoying the night, I'm listening to music and feeling nostalgic. I do that a lot any more. I spent years not even thinking about my past, and now it seems to consume most of my thoughts. I want nothing more than to go back to the house I grew up and relive a lot of things I put behind me. I want to just walk around my old neighborhood and hang out with all of my old friends. That's what I'd like to do. Even if it were only for a night.

I know I need to write more, but it comes down to time and feeling like I have something worth saying. Lately I've had the nagging sensation to just write things down, get back into writing poetry or stories. But when I sit down, I draw nothing but blanks. Hopefully soon enough the block will be over. I feel like I need to pour some of me out before I explode.

Who I Am

I am a social creature by nature, and a poetic waste of flesh. I exist purely to be beneficial to all those around me; a defiant servant. I am a misfit by popular demand, nonconforming to society's whimsical and often outright comical downfall. I am unadulterated. A symbol of the battle between duality; devoured by a pseudonym hellbent on chaos; an id on overdrive. A destiny that awaits it's realization.

My currency is not weighed by materialistic embellishments, but rather by the thoughts and ideas I forcefully provoke in those around me. I will stop at nothing to lead others to the truth that lies behind the curtain of silk and under the mountain of filth hidden behind it. My actions are not led by hidden motives, but a need to succeed. I have witnessed the decay of those who are great, but afraid to take the lead. I am not afraid to take that stand.

I am not a monster! I am simply unafraid. Harm can only come to you by those in which you allow. Being withdrawn is not a character flaw, its a safety net. I'm unwilling to adapt. I cannot and will not change who I am or what I do. I try to be an embodiment of honesty. Sometimes I thinly try to hide it, but I will never refute it, nor will I apologize for it. 

As I watch the world slowly consume itself, I know that I am who I am for a reason. Finding that reason is what keeps me unfettered in my defiance. I will go along to keep along as long as I can. I will discover the fracture in these these metaphorical binding shackles that society has placed upon me. When these binds are broken, there will be nothing to stop me from displaying my true potential. I am more than what I am now, and every day these chains get a little weaker. 

Death of a Rose

Plant a seed and watch it grow
What you reap must be sown
The spurt of bud with the stem
The fragility of  life begins
With the strength of the stem grow the leaves
Time to grow out of your childhood dreams
Watch as the buds begin to bloom
You've become an adult all too soon
The thorns that stop what is craved
The road is sharp that life has paved
The blossom that lasts forever
Don't let yourself say you never...
The infinite fall of the last petal
Watch the ground as it settles

____________________________

I originally wrote this poem when I was about 16 or 17. The inspiration came with a lot of thoughts about the beauty and sadness the comes along with realizing your mortality. Death, just like beauty is an unstoppable force.

This is my favorite piece of artwork, it speaks volumes in 4 panels. I will one day own a copy of it to hang on my wall.

Image details:
Adonis Werther
http://adoniswerther.deviantart.com/art/Life-II-57802362

My Personality Profile: ENTP

Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving

by Marina Margaret Heiss Profile: ENTP

Revision: 3.0

Date of Revision: 26 Feb 2005

"Clever" is the word that perhaps describes ENTPs best. The professor who juggles half a dozen ideas for research papers and grant proposals in his mind while giving a highly entertaining lecture on an abstruse subject is a classic example of the type. So is the stand-up comedian whose lampoons are not only funny, but incisively accurate. ENTPs are usually verbally as well as cerebrally quick, and generally love to argue--both for its own sake, and to show off their often-impressive skills. They tend to have a perverse sense of humor as well, and enjoy playing devil's advocate. They sometimes confuse, even inadvertently hurt, those who don't understand or accept the concept of argument as a sport. ENTPs are as innovative and ingenious at problem-solving as they are at verbal gymnastics; on occasion, however, they manage to outsmart themselves. This can take the form of getting found out at "sharp practice"--ENTPs have been known to cut corners without regard to the rules if it's expedient -- or simply in the collapse of an over-ambitious juggling act. Both at work and at home, ENTPs are very fond of "toys"--physical or intellectual, the more sophisticated the better. They tend to tire of these quickly, however, and move on to new ones. ENTPs are basically optimists, but in spite of this (perhaps because of it?), they tend to become extremely petulant about small setbacks and inconveniences. (Major setbacks they tend to regard as challenges, and tackle with determination.) ENTPs have little patience with those they consider wrongheaded or unintelligent, and show little restraint in demonstrating this. However, they do tend to be extremely genial, if not charming, when not being harassed by life in general. In terms of their relationships with others, ENTPs are capable of bonding very closely and, initially, suddenly, with their loved ones. Some appear to be deceptively offhand with their nearest and dearest; others are so demonstrative that they succeed in shocking co-workers who've only seen their professional side. ENTPs are also good at acquiring friends who are as clever and entertaining as they are. Aside from those two areas, ENTPs tend to be oblivious of the rest of humanity, except as an audience -- good, bad, or potential.

Some Famous ENTPs:

Alexander the Great

Confederate General J. E. B. Stuart

Sir Walter Raleigh

Fictional:

Mercutio, from Romeo and Juliet

Horace Rumpole, from John Mortimer's Rumpole of the Bailey series

Dorothy L. Sayers's detective Lord Peter Wimsey

Taken from source: http://typelogic.com/entp.html