Why do you evade me?
I'm an insomniac by nature, it's part of who I am and what makes me.
Why am I such an insomniac? I don't know. I go for days on little to no sleep, and then I crash and crash hard. I'll sleep for most of the day if I can get a chance; even if it's just a few naps throughout the day. I"ll sleep a good night, and then I'm back to the old routine. Up most of a week and then crash towards the end. I hear it's not a healthy lifestyle, but it's how I function. I can't seem to pull myself together when I try to maintain a normal sleep schedule like most people.
For the last week or so it's been different. I haven't fallen asleep before 3 or 4 am and then up between 7 and 9am. I just lay in bed, tossing and turning; a million thoughts cycle through my mind. That's probably my biggest problem, I can't shut my mind down, there is no "Off" button. What am I thinking about? Nothing in particular. It's not like I'm fixated on one particular thing, it's just everything. I think about my job, relationships, my future, my past, where I am in life, my job, my kids, what I hold dear, what I've lost, what I've gained... the list is unbearable and exhaustive.
Tonight, I figured I'd write a little bit. I've always found putting thoughts to paper to be therapeutic. While the rest of the family lay nestled in their beds, I'm sitting out on the porch enjoying the evening. It's my favorite type of night in my favorite season. The fall, the season of change. The moon is tucked behind the clouds and illuminating the sky a subtle hint of blue. There is a hint of a chill riding on the breeze this evening. It's beautiful. Where else would I rather be?
While I'm enjoying the night, I'm listening to music and feeling nostalgic. I do that a lot any more. I spent years not even thinking about my past, and now it seems to consume most of my thoughts. I want nothing more than to go back to the house I grew up and relive a lot of things I put behind me. I want to just walk around my old neighborhood and hang out with all of my old friends. That's what I'd like to do. Even if it were only for a night.
I know I need to write more, but it comes down to time and feeling like I have something worth saying. Lately I've had the nagging sensation to just write things down, get back into writing poetry or stories. But when I sit down, I draw nothing but blanks. Hopefully soon enough the block will be over. I feel like I need to pour some of me out before I explode.