Who I Am

I am a social creature by nature, and a poetic waste of flesh. I exist purely to be beneficial to all those around me; a defiant servant. I am a misfit by popular demand, nonconforming to society's whimsical and often outright comical downfall. I am unadulterated. A symbol of the battle between duality; devoured by a pseudonym hellbent on chaos; an id on overdrive. A destiny that awaits it's realization.

My currency is not weighed by materialistic embellishments, but rather by the thoughts and ideas I forcefully provoke in those around me. I will stop at nothing to lead others to the truth that lies behind the curtain of silk and under the mountain of filth hidden behind it. My actions are not led by hidden motives, but a need to succeed. I have witnessed the decay of those who are great, but afraid to take the lead. I am not afraid to take that stand.

I am not a monster! I am simply unafraid. Harm can only come to you by those in which you allow. Being withdrawn is not a character flaw, its a safety net. I'm unwilling to adapt. I cannot and will not change who I am or what I do. I try to be an embodiment of honesty. Sometimes I thinly try to hide it, but I will never refute it, nor will I apologize for it. 

As I watch the world slowly consume itself, I know that I am who I am for a reason. Finding that reason is what keeps me unfettered in my defiance. I will go along to keep along as long as I can. I will discover the fracture in these these metaphorical binding shackles that society has placed upon me. When these binds are broken, there will be nothing to stop me from displaying my true potential. I am more than what I am now, and every day these chains get a little weaker. 

Death of a Rose

Plant a seed and watch it grow
What you reap must be sown
The spurt of bud with the stem
The fragility of  life begins
With the strength of the stem grow the leaves
Time to grow out of your childhood dreams
Watch as the buds begin to bloom
You've become an adult all too soon
The thorns that stop what is craved
The road is sharp that life has paved
The blossom that lasts forever
Don't let yourself say you never...
The infinite fall of the last petal
Watch the ground as it settles

____________________________

I originally wrote this poem when I was about 16 or 17. The inspiration came with a lot of thoughts about the beauty and sadness the comes along with realizing your mortality. Death, just like beauty is an unstoppable force.

This is my favorite piece of artwork, it speaks volumes in 4 panels. I will one day own a copy of it to hang on my wall.

Image details:
Adonis Werther
http://adoniswerther.deviantart.com/art/Life-II-57802362

My Personality Profile: ENTP

Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving

by Marina Margaret Heiss Profile: ENTP

Revision: 3.0

Date of Revision: 26 Feb 2005

"Clever" is the word that perhaps describes ENTPs best. The professor who juggles half a dozen ideas for research papers and grant proposals in his mind while giving a highly entertaining lecture on an abstruse subject is a classic example of the type. So is the stand-up comedian whose lampoons are not only funny, but incisively accurate. ENTPs are usually verbally as well as cerebrally quick, and generally love to argue--both for its own sake, and to show off their often-impressive skills. They tend to have a perverse sense of humor as well, and enjoy playing devil's advocate. They sometimes confuse, even inadvertently hurt, those who don't understand or accept the concept of argument as a sport. ENTPs are as innovative and ingenious at problem-solving as they are at verbal gymnastics; on occasion, however, they manage to outsmart themselves. This can take the form of getting found out at "sharp practice"--ENTPs have been known to cut corners without regard to the rules if it's expedient -- or simply in the collapse of an over-ambitious juggling act. Both at work and at home, ENTPs are very fond of "toys"--physical or intellectual, the more sophisticated the better. They tend to tire of these quickly, however, and move on to new ones. ENTPs are basically optimists, but in spite of this (perhaps because of it?), they tend to become extremely petulant about small setbacks and inconveniences. (Major setbacks they tend to regard as challenges, and tackle with determination.) ENTPs have little patience with those they consider wrongheaded or unintelligent, and show little restraint in demonstrating this. However, they do tend to be extremely genial, if not charming, when not being harassed by life in general. In terms of their relationships with others, ENTPs are capable of bonding very closely and, initially, suddenly, with their loved ones. Some appear to be deceptively offhand with their nearest and dearest; others are so demonstrative that they succeed in shocking co-workers who've only seen their professional side. ENTPs are also good at acquiring friends who are as clever and entertaining as they are. Aside from those two areas, ENTPs tend to be oblivious of the rest of humanity, except as an audience -- good, bad, or potential.

Some Famous ENTPs:

Alexander the Great

Confederate General J. E. B. Stuart

Sir Walter Raleigh

Fictional:

Mercutio, from Romeo and Juliet

Horace Rumpole, from John Mortimer's Rumpole of the Bailey series

Dorothy L. Sayers's detective Lord Peter Wimsey

Taken from source: http://typelogic.com/entp.html

Been Away

First off, let me apologize for the length between posts. I know a few people actually read this once in a while, and I am sorry for the delay.

It's not that I haven't wanted to post something and just get stuff off of my chest. I've just been very busy. I've started probably a half dozen posts over the last month or so that I haven't had a chance to finish. It's kind of funny. I'm the asshole friend who berates his friends to keep their blogs updated, and then here I am. Sorry bout that guys.

But.... Hopefully I'm back, at least for a while. I've decided I'm going to try and get back on here at least once a week or so to keep people updated. I think I might post some poetry I've worked on in the past and maybe some stories I've written. I keep talking about wanting to get around to a book so I better at least get some practice in one way or another.

It was weird. I'm the type of person who keeps everything that they've worked on. Today I was going back and reading someone some stuff I'd written in the past and was amazed. Not at how good it was, but how bad. Not that it was the worst thing I've read lately, but if I had to judge, it was definitely up there. It was pretty cool though going through the old stuff and actually watching my skills progress. So, I'm kind of excited about getting to work on some more creative writing type exercises.

In other news:

I've finally decided that it's time to start collecting material for my next site. Right now I'm putting together the database and just collecting. I figure around the beginning of next year, or next month, however you want to look at it, I'm going to be putting together the framework and wire framing for how I want to lay it out, and then get to work on it. I'm looking forward to using some new tools and seeing how it comes together. At this point, I'm hoping to have it all together and published to the web by April or May 2013.

If you're curious, it's going to be a paranormal site. I'm expecting conspiracy, paranormal events, locations, stories both fiction and non-fiction, a place for groups to congregate, and all sorts of fun things like that. I'm not looking to put together a social network, but more of a community site for like minded individuals. If you know me, this is right up my alley.

Well, there's an update. Lets see if I can pull another one together over the coming weekend, or early next week. See you then.

When the Bottom Drops Out

There are lots of situations when your bottom drops out. No one can tell you when, how, or why these situations will occur; they just happen. Often times when you least expect it. Nothing spectacular happens, and you don't even realized it happened until it's already over. A good example is when you find out someone you are really close to just passed away. Now you know what feeling I'm talking about. It's like your abdomen is a trap door, someone just released the lever, and the entire contents spill to the floor.

This usually happens when we receive bad news of some kind. Someone you really love decides to call it quits, someone dies, you lose a job you thought was secure, you find out you're sick and there's nothing that can be done about it, etc. Always when there's bad news of some kind that is out of your control to remedy. Sometimes this toxic emotion can be spurred by a few simple words from the most unexpected of places.

This happened recently to my wife, and then later myself. The culprit? Our son. If you've been following along, or know me personally, you know the story of my child, as it's been told so far. He's going to need a major surgery to replace a major organ. It's not his fault, and he's having a hard time grasping the situation as it is. I'm sure as he gets older, he'll wrap his mind around it, and it'll be an easier pill to swallow. But for right now, as it is, he just knows that he gets sick and has to go see the doctors a lot.

After coming home from a long day of work tonight, I walked in expecting everyone to be asleep in their beds. I was quick to learn that was not the case. As soon as I stepped foot in the door, there was my littlest one. Usually this brings a smile to my face as he usually announces my arrival by screaming “Daddy!” and running up to me for his evening hug and to tell me all about his day.

Not tonight. Tonight he had a somber look on his face and I could tell that something was troubling him. I asked him was what wrong and he told me that he was unable able to sleep.

“Why” I asked, “What's the matter?”

“When are the doctors going to cut me open” he asked me in return.

A little taken aback, I replied “Not tonight.” I'm used to these anonymous questions, but this evening I was not really prepared.

“Are you sure?” he asked again. A tint of urgency creeping into his tone.

“I'm pretty sure” I said.

“Every time I close my eyes, they try to cut me open”

I bent down to my knee and got eye level with him. “No one is going to touch you without you letting them”

“Are you sure?” he asked me one more time.

“I promise you”

He hugged me around the neck and said “Thank you, daddy” and ran off back to bed.

I haven't seen him for a few hours, so I guess that worked.

I dressed down from my work uniform and grabbed a bite to eat. After I was done, I headed outside for a smoke. My wife joined me shortly thereafter. She too is having trouble sleeping this evening. I asked her what was going on with her, and she went on to confide the days events and why she was so bothered.

She told me that earlier in the day, Rogue stopped doing his homework and asked her why he couldn't go to back to school. We've decided to home school him this year if you didn't catch that. My wife explained to him that he was going to stay home this year in case he gets sick. Last year he missed about 2 months of school because of illness. They decided to fail him. So this year, we're just home schooling him to make everyone's lives easier.

He tried to convince her that he was better and was ready to go back. My wife kept trying to change the subject, but being my son, he wasn't letting that happen. So she tried the next rational choice, she tried explaining to him about why he was being home schooled and why he was staying home. We've already been through this talk with him and with doctors a hundred times, but sometimes it just doesn't stick and you have to explain it to him again later on..... later on was today.... again.

She explained to him about his “broken” liver, and how the doctors are going to have to replace it, and how it will make him feel better.
“What if it doesn't make me feel better” he asked.

“The doctors have told us that it will” she responded.

“But what if it doesn't” he asked again, “Will I be able to see you in heaven.” Thats the moment someone grabbed the lever.

“Are you sure it'll be time to go to heaven?” She asked him, not prepared for any answer.

“Yes, and I'll miss you when I get there” He said.

The bottom dropped out.

The conversation stopped there, as you would expect, but apparently, the echoes remained for the remainder of the evening. I've spoken to both of them about the conversation, and it's helped to alleviate the fears that they are anticipating. But now it's my turn. That's the bitch of it really. Being the Rock you really don't have anywhere else to turn. I do have friends to chat with about it, but for me that doesn't alleviate the situation. It doesn't make the bitter jagged pill go down any easier. Talking about it doesn't make it go away, it just fortifies it even further. So I do what I do best. I slam the verbiage to paper, and I continue on with my life.