I am a social creature by nature, and a poetic waste of flesh. I exist purely to be beneficial to all those around me; a defiant servant. I am a misfit by popular demand, nonconforming to society's whimsical and often outright comical downfall. I am unadulterated. A symbol of the battle between duality; devoured by a pseudonym hellbent on chaos; an id on overdrive. A destiny that awaits it's realization.
My currency is not weighed by materialistic embellishments, but rather by the thoughts and ideas I forcefully provoke in those around me. I will stop at nothing to lead others to the truth that lies behind the curtain of silk and under the mountain of filth hidden behind it. My actions are not led by hidden motives, but a need to succeed. I have witnessed the decay of those who are great, but afraid to take the lead. I am not afraid to take that stand.
I am not a monster! I am simply unafraid. Harm can only come to you by those in which you allow. Being withdrawn is not a character flaw, its a safety net. I'm unwilling to adapt. I cannot and will not change who I am or what I do. I try to be an embodiment of honesty. Sometimes I thinly try to hide it, but I will never refute it, nor will I apologize for it.
As I watch the world slowly consume itself, I know that I am who I am for a reason. Finding that reason is what keeps me unfettered in my defiance. I will go along to keep along as long as I can. I will discover the fracture in these these metaphorical binding shackles that society has placed upon me. When these binds are broken, there will be nothing to stop me from displaying my true potential. I am more than what I am now, and every day these chains get a little weaker.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
May 5, 2013
Mar 3, 2013
Death of a Rose
Plant a seed and watch it grow
What you reap must be sown
The spurt of bud with the stem
The fragility of life begins
With the strength of the stem grow the leaves
Time to grow out of your childhood dreams
Watch as the buds begin to bloom
You've become an adult all too soon
The thorns that stop what is craved
The road is sharp that life has paved
The blossom that lasts forever
Don't let yourself say you never...
The infinite fall of the last petal
Watch the ground as it settles
____________________________
I originally wrote this poem when I was about 16 or 17. The inspiration came with a lot of thoughts about the beauty and sadness the comes along with realizing your mortality. Death, just like beauty is an unstoppable force.
This is my favorite piece of artwork, it speaks volumes in 4 panels. I will one day own a copy of it to hang on my wall.
Image details:
Adonis Werther
http://adoniswerther.deviantart.com/art/Life-II-57802362
Feb 19, 2013
My Personality Profile: ENTP
Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving
Fictional:
by Marina Margaret Heiss Profile: ENTP
Revision: 3.0
Date of Revision: 26 Feb 2005
"Clever" is the word that perhaps describes ENTPs best. The professor who juggles half a dozen ideas for research papers and grant proposals in his mind while giving a highly entertaining lecture on an abstruse subject is a classic example of the type. So is the stand-up comedian whose lampoons are not only funny, but incisively accurate. ENTPs are usually verbally as well as cerebrally quick, and generally love to argue--both for its own sake, and to show off their often-impressive skills. They tend to have a perverse sense of humor as well, and enjoy playing devil's advocate. They sometimes confuse, even inadvertently hurt, those who don't understand or accept the concept of argument as a sport. ENTPs are as innovative and ingenious at problem-solving as they are at verbal gymnastics; on occasion, however, they manage to outsmart themselves. This can take the form of getting found out at "sharp practice"--ENTPs have been known to cut corners without regard to the rules if it's expedient -- or simply in the collapse of an over-ambitious juggling act. Both at work and at home, ENTPs are very fond of "toys"--physical or intellectual, the more sophisticated the better. They tend to tire of these quickly, however, and move on to new ones. ENTPs are basically optimists, but in spite of this (perhaps because of it?), they tend to become extremely petulant about small setbacks and inconveniences. (Major setbacks they tend to regard as challenges, and tackle with determination.) ENTPs have little patience with those they consider wrongheaded or unintelligent, and show little restraint in demonstrating this. However, they do tend to be extremely genial, if not charming, when not being harassed by life in general. In terms of their relationships with others, ENTPs are capable of bonding very closely and, initially, suddenly, with their loved ones. Some appear to be deceptively offhand with their nearest and dearest; others are so demonstrative that they succeed in shocking co-workers who've only seen their professional side. ENTPs are also good at acquiring friends who are as clever and entertaining as they are. Aside from those two areas, ENTPs tend to be oblivious of the rest of humanity, except as an audience -- good, bad, or potential.
Some Famous ENTPs:
Alexander the Great
Confederate General J. E. B. Stuart
Sir Walter Raleigh
Fictional:
Mercutio, from Romeo and Juliet
Horace Rumpole, from John Mortimer's Rumpole of the Bailey series
Dorothy L. Sayers's detective Lord Peter Wimsey
Taken from source: http://typelogic.com/entp.html
Dec 13, 2012
Been Away
First off, let me apologize for the length between posts. I know a few people actually read this once in a while, and I am sorry for the delay.
It's not that I haven't wanted to post something and just get stuff off of my chest. I've just been very busy. I've started probably a half dozen posts over the last month or so that I haven't had a chance to finish. It's kind of funny. I'm the asshole friend who berates his friends to keep their blogs updated, and then here I am. Sorry bout that guys.
But.... Hopefully I'm back, at least for a while. I've decided I'm going to try and get back on here at least once a week or so to keep people updated. I think I might post some poetry I've worked on in the past and maybe some stories I've written. I keep talking about wanting to get around to a book so I better at least get some practice in one way or another.
It was weird. I'm the type of person who keeps everything that they've worked on. Today I was going back and reading someone some stuff I'd written in the past and was amazed. Not at how good it was, but how bad. Not that it was the worst thing I've read lately, but if I had to judge, it was definitely up there. It was pretty cool though going through the old stuff and actually watching my skills progress. So, I'm kind of excited about getting to work on some more creative writing type exercises.
In other news:
I've finally decided that it's time to start collecting material for my next site. Right now I'm putting together the database and just collecting. I figure around the beginning of next year, or next month, however you want to look at it, I'm going to be putting together the framework and wire framing for how I want to lay it out, and then get to work on it. I'm looking forward to using some new tools and seeing how it comes together. At this point, I'm hoping to have it all together and published to the web by April or May 2013.
If you're curious, it's going to be a paranormal site. I'm expecting conspiracy, paranormal events, locations, stories both fiction and non-fiction, a place for groups to congregate, and all sorts of fun things like that. I'm not looking to put together a social network, but more of a community site for like minded individuals. If you know me, this is right up my alley.
Well, there's an update. Lets see if I can pull another one together over the coming weekend, or early next week. See you then.
It's not that I haven't wanted to post something and just get stuff off of my chest. I've just been very busy. I've started probably a half dozen posts over the last month or so that I haven't had a chance to finish. It's kind of funny. I'm the asshole friend who berates his friends to keep their blogs updated, and then here I am. Sorry bout that guys.
But.... Hopefully I'm back, at least for a while. I've decided I'm going to try and get back on here at least once a week or so to keep people updated. I think I might post some poetry I've worked on in the past and maybe some stories I've written. I keep talking about wanting to get around to a book so I better at least get some practice in one way or another.
It was weird. I'm the type of person who keeps everything that they've worked on. Today I was going back and reading someone some stuff I'd written in the past and was amazed. Not at how good it was, but how bad. Not that it was the worst thing I've read lately, but if I had to judge, it was definitely up there. It was pretty cool though going through the old stuff and actually watching my skills progress. So, I'm kind of excited about getting to work on some more creative writing type exercises.
In other news:
I've finally decided that it's time to start collecting material for my next site. Right now I'm putting together the database and just collecting. I figure around the beginning of next year, or next month, however you want to look at it, I'm going to be putting together the framework and wire framing for how I want to lay it out, and then get to work on it. I'm looking forward to using some new tools and seeing how it comes together. At this point, I'm hoping to have it all together and published to the web by April or May 2013.
If you're curious, it's going to be a paranormal site. I'm expecting conspiracy, paranormal events, locations, stories both fiction and non-fiction, a place for groups to congregate, and all sorts of fun things like that. I'm not looking to put together a social network, but more of a community site for like minded individuals. If you know me, this is right up my alley.
Well, there's an update. Lets see if I can pull another one together over the coming weekend, or early next week. See you then.
Aug 21, 2012
A Most Dangerous Game
It's been a while since my last post; it's been a hellish few weeks. The last post I made my son was getting sick, and a few days after penning it, we went into the hospital for a week +. After we got out I spent some time trying to make up work for school, catching up with both my day and evening jobs.
Playing catch up is always fun when you're not prepared for it.
Then I lost internet access for a few weeks.. We're preparing to take him back to the hospital in the morning, which is a few hours away, but i'm not really ready to sleep. I got a post up on my other blog, and since I've been neglecting this one as well, I figured it was time for an update.
If anyone is curious, we found out that his condition was much worse than any of us had anticipated, and he has been preparing for a future surgery.
Now to the meat and potatoes.
Psychology is an art form. Hit or miss. Your either right or your wrong. There is no margin for error when your fucking with someone's mind. The consequences from a miscalculation could be devastating.
As has been obvious if you have been following along, there is a great deal of concern over the health of my youngest child. My wife, who suffers from bi-polar disorder (believe me when I say suffers), has not been dealing well with the situation; as to be expected. None of us have, but she has been taking it extremely hard.
The thing with bi-polar disorder if you are unfamiliar, is fluctuating emotions between different extremes in the spectrum. They are either extremely happy, or extremely sad, and it's hard for them to hit a middle ground. If you've ever met a genuine bi-polar person, you know what I mean. They're not psychotics screaming at bus stops and beating up old ladies as our cultural views and late night news would lead you to believe. They can be very manic and a mile a minute, or very sad and emotionally drained. My wife is of the type that spends most of their time depressed, or "hypo-manic."
How do you cope with the knowledge that there is a very good possibility that you will outlive your children? I honestly believe that it's harder knowing in advance. Why? Because you have hopes, fears, expectations, dreams, regrets and an entire plethora of other emotions to deal with while trying to maintain a facade that all is well while your insides are churning brimstone. You spend every waking moment going over in your mind what you can do to try and prevent something that may or may not even come to fruition.
Too much is on the line, including your sanity. Unfortunately, when a child is taken unexpectedly, that entire part of the process is removed from the equation. Your left dealing with the aftermath, there was nothing you could do to change the outcome. Not in every situation, I admit, but tearing yourself from the inside out before anything even happens is removed. Your left with keeping yourself together afterword, and dealing with the shock.
To help my wife deal with life in general, she seeks the services of a psychiatrist. This person helps her maintain her medication, which if you know anyone who actually lives with any type of clinical mental condition, it's quite a regimen. They also offer advice, help her to set goals, and try to help her maintain a stability.
If you know me, and if your reading this then I expect you at least know some of my views. You probably know that I struggle with religion, as does my wife. She is a lot more active than I am. She actually attends church, and is active within the community. Whereas I like to just dabble in the philosophical and theological aspects of the business.
Lately, my wife has been trying to deal with what I have dubbed the "what if" factor. What if he doesn't survive? What if he doesn't make it out alive? What if he doesn't get to experience love with another individual? What if he doesn't get to experience laughter only true friends can provide? What if he doesn't get to create a million summer time memories? What if he doesn't get to experience what life really has to offer? What if all of the sudden everything as we know it falls apart? What if we can't keep it together? What if?
It's quite a lot to take in. A conundrum you don't really want to spend time thinking about. But you cannot stop yourself, and you find that it's all you think about. The more you try to push it away, the more it creeps in when you least expect it.
She's been slipping back evermore into the recession known as depression. With her condition very bad things could happen. In an attempt to alleviate her distress, she has frequented her psychologist's office more often trying to seek salvation from her haunting distress.
In what I believe to be a very dangerous power move by her doctor in an attempt to help, they prayed together about my son and his well being. I don't mind that at all. Good for them. I find that most people find courage and inner peace after consulting with a higher being, and given support from others while doing so. I'm glad that the doctor had the conviction to do so and express this with my wife.
What I don't agree with is what he did next.
After they had said their prayer, he removed a cross on a string from his wallet and held it over a picture of my son. They watched transfixed as it floated delicately over the photo. They watched as it swayed to and fro, and spun in semi-circles above the photo. Appearing to move by it's on volition.
When the cross ceased to move further, and the spectacle finally ended, he had very exciting news for my wife. He confined to her that my child would live a long life, and that he would go on to father 2 children of his own; a boy and a girl. Needless to say, my wife left the office feeling very optimistic about life in general.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a complete pessimist, and I want to believe this just as much as she does, but I can't bring myself to. I have reality nagging on my neck. I want this to be the truth, I want to put all my chips in this basket, and ride my winnings all the way back home. But I can't. I am not ready to stop being afraid.
I cannot stop thinking about how I want this to not go south even more now than before, if that was even possible. I firmly believe that if something does happen to him, she will walk away from the one doctor she's ever trusted enough to take the advice from. She will be even more devastated because she has put all of her chips in that basket. She wanted to before, but someone finally gave her the validation that she so desperately needed before doing so. If this power move did not work, I fear she may never recover.
She believes so desperately that I have found myself trying to support her with this against my own judgement. I just hope more than anything that I can openly admit that I was wrong about something and mean it.
Playing catch up is always fun when you're not prepared for it.
Then I lost internet access for a few weeks.. We're preparing to take him back to the hospital in the morning, which is a few hours away, but i'm not really ready to sleep. I got a post up on my other blog, and since I've been neglecting this one as well, I figured it was time for an update.
If anyone is curious, we found out that his condition was much worse than any of us had anticipated, and he has been preparing for a future surgery.
Now to the meat and potatoes.
Psychology is an art form. Hit or miss. Your either right or your wrong. There is no margin for error when your fucking with someone's mind. The consequences from a miscalculation could be devastating.
As has been obvious if you have been following along, there is a great deal of concern over the health of my youngest child. My wife, who suffers from bi-polar disorder (believe me when I say suffers), has not been dealing well with the situation; as to be expected. None of us have, but she has been taking it extremely hard.
The thing with bi-polar disorder if you are unfamiliar, is fluctuating emotions between different extremes in the spectrum. They are either extremely happy, or extremely sad, and it's hard for them to hit a middle ground. If you've ever met a genuine bi-polar person, you know what I mean. They're not psychotics screaming at bus stops and beating up old ladies as our cultural views and late night news would lead you to believe. They can be very manic and a mile a minute, or very sad and emotionally drained. My wife is of the type that spends most of their time depressed, or "hypo-manic."
How do you cope with the knowledge that there is a very good possibility that you will outlive your children? I honestly believe that it's harder knowing in advance. Why? Because you have hopes, fears, expectations, dreams, regrets and an entire plethora of other emotions to deal with while trying to maintain a facade that all is well while your insides are churning brimstone. You spend every waking moment going over in your mind what you can do to try and prevent something that may or may not even come to fruition.
Too much is on the line, including your sanity. Unfortunately, when a child is taken unexpectedly, that entire part of the process is removed from the equation. Your left dealing with the aftermath, there was nothing you could do to change the outcome. Not in every situation, I admit, but tearing yourself from the inside out before anything even happens is removed. Your left with keeping yourself together afterword, and dealing with the shock.
To help my wife deal with life in general, she seeks the services of a psychiatrist. This person helps her maintain her medication, which if you know anyone who actually lives with any type of clinical mental condition, it's quite a regimen. They also offer advice, help her to set goals, and try to help her maintain a stability.
If you know me, and if your reading this then I expect you at least know some of my views. You probably know that I struggle with religion, as does my wife. She is a lot more active than I am. She actually attends church, and is active within the community. Whereas I like to just dabble in the philosophical and theological aspects of the business.
Lately, my wife has been trying to deal with what I have dubbed the "what if" factor. What if he doesn't survive? What if he doesn't make it out alive? What if he doesn't get to experience love with another individual? What if he doesn't get to experience laughter only true friends can provide? What if he doesn't get to create a million summer time memories? What if he doesn't get to experience what life really has to offer? What if all of the sudden everything as we know it falls apart? What if we can't keep it together? What if?
It's quite a lot to take in. A conundrum you don't really want to spend time thinking about. But you cannot stop yourself, and you find that it's all you think about. The more you try to push it away, the more it creeps in when you least expect it.
She's been slipping back evermore into the recession known as depression. With her condition very bad things could happen. In an attempt to alleviate her distress, she has frequented her psychologist's office more often trying to seek salvation from her haunting distress.
In what I believe to be a very dangerous power move by her doctor in an attempt to help, they prayed together about my son and his well being. I don't mind that at all. Good for them. I find that most people find courage and inner peace after consulting with a higher being, and given support from others while doing so. I'm glad that the doctor had the conviction to do so and express this with my wife.
What I don't agree with is what he did next.
After they had said their prayer, he removed a cross on a string from his wallet and held it over a picture of my son. They watched transfixed as it floated delicately over the photo. They watched as it swayed to and fro, and spun in semi-circles above the photo. Appearing to move by it's on volition.
When the cross ceased to move further, and the spectacle finally ended, he had very exciting news for my wife. He confined to her that my child would live a long life, and that he would go on to father 2 children of his own; a boy and a girl. Needless to say, my wife left the office feeling very optimistic about life in general.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a complete pessimist, and I want to believe this just as much as she does, but I can't bring myself to. I have reality nagging on my neck. I want this to be the truth, I want to put all my chips in this basket, and ride my winnings all the way back home. But I can't. I am not ready to stop being afraid.
I cannot stop thinking about how I want this to not go south even more now than before, if that was even possible. I firmly believe that if something does happen to him, she will walk away from the one doctor she's ever trusted enough to take the advice from. She will be even more devastated because she has put all of her chips in that basket. She wanted to before, but someone finally gave her the validation that she so desperately needed before doing so. If this power move did not work, I fear she may never recover.
She believes so desperately that I have found myself trying to support her with this against my own judgement. I just hope more than anything that I can openly admit that I was wrong about something and mean it.
Jun 26, 2012
Mobile Blogger
Here is new blog from another friend of mine, it's called Mobile Blogger. He just started it, so bear with him while he gets his reins. A permanent link to his blog will be collected in the sidebar with other friends who maintain sites that you will find on the right =>.
Sometimes it's hard to keep going on, writing how you feel, and exposing yourself to the world, but it feel exhilarating and liberating at the same time. It allows you to keep a digital diary of where you where in your life at that particular time and place. I encourage anyone who has thought of starting a blog to just start it. But don't just start it, and then walk away. Keep up at it, let the words flow from your fingertips, let others know they are not alone in this crazy world. There are others out there just like yourself, and you will connect in one way or another. But you will never know unless you put yourself out there.
To all of my friends who participate in this blogging experience, I wish you luck and hope that you attain all that you seek. As for myself, I think part of the reason I want to blog, other than to vent, is so that my children can someday find this blog and maybe have a little more insight into who their father was. Hopefully they understand me more through my words as I poured them out week after week.
I know I have been lacking in writing anything lately, but in my defense, it has been a tough couple of weeks mentally. I feel myself getting back on course, and I hope you all can bare with me as I work life out.
Sometimes it's hard to keep going on, writing how you feel, and exposing yourself to the world, but it feel exhilarating and liberating at the same time. It allows you to keep a digital diary of where you where in your life at that particular time and place. I encourage anyone who has thought of starting a blog to just start it. But don't just start it, and then walk away. Keep up at it, let the words flow from your fingertips, let others know they are not alone in this crazy world. There are others out there just like yourself, and you will connect in one way or another. But you will never know unless you put yourself out there.
To all of my friends who participate in this blogging experience, I wish you luck and hope that you attain all that you seek. As for myself, I think part of the reason I want to blog, other than to vent, is so that my children can someday find this blog and maybe have a little more insight into who their father was. Hopefully they understand me more through my words as I poured them out week after week.
I know I have been lacking in writing anything lately, but in my defense, it has been a tough couple of weeks mentally. I feel myself getting back on course, and I hope you all can bare with me as I work life out.
Jun 12, 2012
Sorry Been Busy
"Sorry, been busy." My usual mantra. Busy, busy, busy. I never have time; always busy. That's how I roll.
Not lately. ~ Eah ~ Sorta true. I have had busy spouts, where I'm busy for a few hours, but then I get distracted, and find myself doing something else. I know my blog so far, if you've been following, has been that I generally stay pretty busy. But the last few weeks I've really calmed down. I've been slowing down and trying to enjoy myself for a bit.
I expect that I'll resume my rampant pace very shortly, but for now, I just need a moment to breath.
It's time for me to stop for a minute and evaluate my life. I know I'm working on too much, and other area's have been faltering because of it. I haven't been spending as much time with my family, or my friends. For the last few months it's been nose to the grindstone, and a million projects all at once.
I've been working on dmotivated.com, writing articles for PawTucket, trying to keep up with this blog, going to school, working a full time job, and in between, teaching myself new stuff as much as I can and working on stuff for other people. I wake up 7 or 8 every morning, and go to bed between 2 and 4 every evening. On the weekends I have to make myself go to bed even at those times, or I'll try and pull an all-nighter. I go to work Monday through Friday, 9 to 7, 8, 9 - whenever, and then come home and get right back to work. When I get up in the morning I get right on the laptop, and work right up until I go to work. Then When I get home, I'll grab some chow, and say hey to the kids if they're still awake, then get right back to work right up until the wee hours of the morning.
On the weekends, I get home Friday night I'll stay up until 4 or 5, sleep until 9 or 10, then wake up, grab a cup of coffee and my laptop, then head out onto the porch for pretty much the remainder of the day. I take small breaks here and there to do what I need to do, but most of the time I spend working. And I do this until Monday morning.
What is work?
Well my day job, I'm overseeing branch activities and working in a vault. A position I've come to despise. I was being vetted for branch manager, but that didn't pan out. So now I am the vault supervisor. I take care of day to day operations, and see to the place when the boss is out --which is frequent to say the least. It has literally become just a place that generates an income until my other endeavors start to pay out or until I can find another job; the later is preferred, but beggars can't be choosers.
After the day job is when the magic happens. That's when I'm doing what I do love to do, coding, reading, learning, and writing. I come home, check the media outlets as most people do, promote my main site with it's fan page on Facebook, Google+ and Twitter. I spend about an hour doing that, then I'll divvy my night up with school work, coding, reading anything I can get my hands on about web development and programming, and writing articles. I don't publish every article I write. They'll get published eventually, but I just draft them out and have them ready to go until I have time to polish them up and publish.
This is what I want to do with my life, but I'd like to work less hours, and actually get paid for it. That is my goal, and I'd like to accomplish it within this year. That's why I keep busting my own ass, trying to stay on top of everything, keeping busy, no time for anything but progress. It takes me a few days to get most stuff done, but that is because of my pile of stuff called a to-do list. I try to break it all up, and do a little here, a little there.
Lately, the last few weeks, as I was originally saying, I've been a bad boy. I've stumbled a bit, and have been finding solace in video games. It used to be a very bad habit, and if I don't watch myself, may become one again. They help me escape reality just for a little bit, and let me immerse myself in another world. When I get stressed, I play more games; it's like running away, but without actually running. Sometimes, it's a nice change of pace from my day to day. Usually I can go a few months without even turning on a system. But lately, I've been play for a couple hours a day. I need to get back to work and stay focused, but the appeal has been too strong.
My day job hours have gotten unpredictable again, and my absent minded boss is literally absent more often. But the bad part is he's still there, bugging me on the phone and over email. Most of my stress is caused by this job, and yet, I can't seem to get away, and can't afford to. I'll pull myself together, it's just taking a little longer than usual. I need to snap out of this, and get back to being productive; but at the same time I feel like I've earned a little bit of a breather. I feel like there is something lurking around the corner; something pretty big. I'm feeling that it's going to be a good change and hope I'm not just being optimistic.
To my friends and family, I hope you understand. I'm not ignoring you, I truly am not. I am just in one of those periods in my life where I know what I want, I'm just in the process of trying to get it. Please have faith and bear with me while I chase my dreams.
Not lately. ~ Eah ~ Sorta true. I have had busy spouts, where I'm busy for a few hours, but then I get distracted, and find myself doing something else. I know my blog so far, if you've been following, has been that I generally stay pretty busy. But the last few weeks I've really calmed down. I've been slowing down and trying to enjoy myself for a bit.
I expect that I'll resume my rampant pace very shortly, but for now, I just need a moment to breath.
It's time for me to stop for a minute and evaluate my life. I know I'm working on too much, and other area's have been faltering because of it. I haven't been spending as much time with my family, or my friends. For the last few months it's been nose to the grindstone, and a million projects all at once.
I've been working on dmotivated.com, writing articles for PawTucket, trying to keep up with this blog, going to school, working a full time job, and in between, teaching myself new stuff as much as I can and working on stuff for other people. I wake up 7 or 8 every morning, and go to bed between 2 and 4 every evening. On the weekends I have to make myself go to bed even at those times, or I'll try and pull an all-nighter. I go to work Monday through Friday, 9 to 7, 8, 9 - whenever, and then come home and get right back to work. When I get up in the morning I get right on the laptop, and work right up until I go to work. Then When I get home, I'll grab some chow, and say hey to the kids if they're still awake, then get right back to work right up until the wee hours of the morning.
On the weekends, I get home Friday night I'll stay up until 4 or 5, sleep until 9 or 10, then wake up, grab a cup of coffee and my laptop, then head out onto the porch for pretty much the remainder of the day. I take small breaks here and there to do what I need to do, but most of the time I spend working. And I do this until Monday morning.
What is work?
Well my day job, I'm overseeing branch activities and working in a vault. A position I've come to despise. I was being vetted for branch manager, but that didn't pan out. So now I am the vault supervisor. I take care of day to day operations, and see to the place when the boss is out --which is frequent to say the least. It has literally become just a place that generates an income until my other endeavors start to pay out or until I can find another job; the later is preferred, but beggars can't be choosers.
After the day job is when the magic happens. That's when I'm doing what I do love to do, coding, reading, learning, and writing. I come home, check the media outlets as most people do, promote my main site with it's fan page on Facebook, Google+ and Twitter. I spend about an hour doing that, then I'll divvy my night up with school work, coding, reading anything I can get my hands on about web development and programming, and writing articles. I don't publish every article I write. They'll get published eventually, but I just draft them out and have them ready to go until I have time to polish them up and publish.
This is what I want to do with my life, but I'd like to work less hours, and actually get paid for it. That is my goal, and I'd like to accomplish it within this year. That's why I keep busting my own ass, trying to stay on top of everything, keeping busy, no time for anything but progress. It takes me a few days to get most stuff done, but that is because of my pile of stuff called a to-do list. I try to break it all up, and do a little here, a little there.
Lately, the last few weeks, as I was originally saying, I've been a bad boy. I've stumbled a bit, and have been finding solace in video games. It used to be a very bad habit, and if I don't watch myself, may become one again. They help me escape reality just for a little bit, and let me immerse myself in another world. When I get stressed, I play more games; it's like running away, but without actually running. Sometimes, it's a nice change of pace from my day to day. Usually I can go a few months without even turning on a system. But lately, I've been play for a couple hours a day. I need to get back to work and stay focused, but the appeal has been too strong.
My day job hours have gotten unpredictable again, and my absent minded boss is literally absent more often. But the bad part is he's still there, bugging me on the phone and over email. Most of my stress is caused by this job, and yet, I can't seem to get away, and can't afford to. I'll pull myself together, it's just taking a little longer than usual. I need to snap out of this, and get back to being productive; but at the same time I feel like I've earned a little bit of a breather. I feel like there is something lurking around the corner; something pretty big. I'm feeling that it's going to be a good change and hope I'm not just being optimistic.
To my friends and family, I hope you understand. I'm not ignoring you, I truly am not. I am just in one of those periods in my life where I know what I want, I'm just in the process of trying to get it. Please have faith and bear with me while I chase my dreams.
Jun 2, 2012
Good Friends & Good Times
Recently I have had a grand opportunity to reconnect with some people that I haven't had the pleasure of connecting with in quite some time; it feels amazing. We've talked quite extensively about our past adventures (and trust me, some of them most certainly were adventures), and have spent a lot of time just filling each other in about our lives since our paths diverged. Just the act of reconnecting has been a learning experience for me.
My whole life has been about never looking back. It's not that I have spent my whole life running from anything, it's just that I don't like to dwell on the past, I never really had a great one. I'm not an emo, or a cry baby, but I certainly, even from the outside, didn't have the greatest one. I wasn't abused, or have bad parents, I wasn't adopted or anything of that magnitude. I just didn't fit in. Even today, I still have a hard time relating to my peers. I just don't "get" people. I can read people, and I can understand them, but most of the time, I feel like an observer. I just don't belong here. If you don't understand, that's understandable. It's hard to explain.
But life, as always, works in mysterious ways.
I don't play games online very much, and I reach out to others even less often. I'm just not very social. I have very few friends and actually prefer it that way. I have been that way my whole life; socially awkward. But for some reason, a blip from my past swam into my radar, and wanted to connect.
I was amused, curious, and a bit apprehensive, and I think he was as well. We hadn't spoken in over a decade and didn't really know what to expect. At one time, he was my best friend, and only friend in the world. I had a few people I knew and hung out with occasionally, but this guy was was different. He was my friend, and then one day he wasn't, or so I thought. A series of events happened in rapid succession that changed our course and caused some simple misunderstandings.
With me, it's always focus on the present, as the past is immutable, you don't know if you're going to be here tomorrow.
Fast forward.
A few months ago, I start playing online games with another friend of mine very heavily, almost daily. We have playful banter and go online to have playful banter with others. I find it amusing and quite humorous most of the time. I think I posted something on facebook or maybe a friend of a friend told him where I could be found. He reached out to me, and we started playing together.
At first, it was a little awkward, what can I say, what should I say, do I have to act different, what should I do? In the end, I just did what I always do, and was just myself. I figured why try to be different when the real me is going to expose himself anyway. I don't normally put that much thought into situations like that, and usually end up on my default setting anyway, but this felt different.
We had a blast.
We've been playing together now for several months, and in that time, we've actually grown quite close again. We've spent a lot of time reminiscing about past exploits, and our personal lives, things we've done, places we've gone; and most importantly, made each other laugh. It's been an amazing adventure for me, and for him as well.
This whole experience has made me realize always pushing forward may not be the only way to go, and that sometimes, I need to stop and realize where I've been. My favorite mantra has always been, "my past has made me who I am." Maybe it's time I actually stand toe to toe with it and think about how it wasn't always bad.
Thank You.
My whole life has been about never looking back. It's not that I have spent my whole life running from anything, it's just that I don't like to dwell on the past, I never really had a great one. I'm not an emo, or a cry baby, but I certainly, even from the outside, didn't have the greatest one. I wasn't abused, or have bad parents, I wasn't adopted or anything of that magnitude. I just didn't fit in. Even today, I still have a hard time relating to my peers. I just don't "get" people. I can read people, and I can understand them, but most of the time, I feel like an observer. I just don't belong here. If you don't understand, that's understandable. It's hard to explain.
But life, as always, works in mysterious ways.
I don't play games online very much, and I reach out to others even less often. I'm just not very social. I have very few friends and actually prefer it that way. I have been that way my whole life; socially awkward. But for some reason, a blip from my past swam into my radar, and wanted to connect.
I was amused, curious, and a bit apprehensive, and I think he was as well. We hadn't spoken in over a decade and didn't really know what to expect. At one time, he was my best friend, and only friend in the world. I had a few people I knew and hung out with occasionally, but this guy was was different. He was my friend, and then one day he wasn't, or so I thought. A series of events happened in rapid succession that changed our course and caused some simple misunderstandings.
With me, it's always focus on the present, as the past is immutable, you don't know if you're going to be here tomorrow.
Fast forward.
A few months ago, I start playing online games with another friend of mine very heavily, almost daily. We have playful banter and go online to have playful banter with others. I find it amusing and quite humorous most of the time. I think I posted something on facebook or maybe a friend of a friend told him where I could be found. He reached out to me, and we started playing together.
At first, it was a little awkward, what can I say, what should I say, do I have to act different, what should I do? In the end, I just did what I always do, and was just myself. I figured why try to be different when the real me is going to expose himself anyway. I don't normally put that much thought into situations like that, and usually end up on my default setting anyway, but this felt different.
We had a blast.
We've been playing together now for several months, and in that time, we've actually grown quite close again. We've spent a lot of time reminiscing about past exploits, and our personal lives, things we've done, places we've gone; and most importantly, made each other laugh. It's been an amazing adventure for me, and for him as well.
This whole experience has made me realize always pushing forward may not be the only way to go, and that sometimes, I need to stop and realize where I've been. My favorite mantra has always been, "my past has made me who I am." Maybe it's time I actually stand toe to toe with it and think about how it wasn't always bad.
Thank You.
Jun 1, 2012
It's Time!
It's finally time. I've been talking about it for a long time, and I've decided to step away from some projects, and actually start working toward meeting my goal; starting my career in development.
I've been talking about it for a while now, that I'm going to take the leap and go for it, but one thing or another has been holding me back. Mostly because I'm afraid. I'm not worried that I'm not as good as I think I am, but because so much is on the line. It's different for me now.
A few years ago, I would have just done it. Stuck my neck out and just held out until I landed something that I was interested in. I didn't have a family to support, and I always found a way to make ends meet until a job came along. I would do anything, and because of this, I've gained a lot of skills, but none of them are really useful for what I am trying to do now. It's a lot like starting over.
I'm afraid that I won't land a position. I'm afraid that with the economy the way it is, and companies having the ability to be choosy, they will. I need someone to take a chance, and try my skills out. I have been honing them for several years. Constant education, I spend every waking minute that I can learning and trying to better myself. I can fix a computer 1000 miles away without ever seeing it, but that doesn't look good on a resume. I'm putting myself through college to earn a degree just so that I have a piece of paper to show someone someday.
Meanwhile, I'm at a job that I loathe just to pay the bills that I have. I stay up half of the night every single night after work and spend my weekends with my face shoved into my computer or a book. I stay up between 16 and 20 hours a day just to make time to educate myself. Some days I don't even sleep at all and go for 2 or 3 days; it's occasional, but happens, and then I crash for a day to catch up.
If I'm not at my day job, I'm busy working on a project or learning something. I spend a lot of time alone. My wife gets frustrated because I spend so much time occupied with other things, and I have to keep telling her that this will all pay off someday, and hope I'm not lying; somehow she still holds out hope which is encouraging. I know I'm sacrificing time with my kids, but my goal is to have more time for them when I actually start my career and I can slow down.
It makes it even harder when I'm preaching to others that you should "never waste your life doing something you're not happy doing" but at the same time I am. I'm at a job that I absolutely loathe, but maintaining it in hopes that one day I will have a job I love, doing exactly what I want to do. I want to be happy, and have the life I've always wanted, but never have.
Its frustrating! I have all of these skills, but everyone wants to see the documentation. So far in school I have taken a bunch of technical classes and bought books I've never opened because I already know the information. Everyone I know comes to me or sends people to me to help fix their computer issues, but I can't get a job working in the field because everyone wants a piece of paper confirming that I know what I'm talking about. It's frustrating.
I need someone to take a chance on me, and I feel like I'm begging the world, and that's even more frustrating.
I've been talking about it for a while now, that I'm going to take the leap and go for it, but one thing or another has been holding me back. Mostly because I'm afraid. I'm not worried that I'm not as good as I think I am, but because so much is on the line. It's different for me now.
A few years ago, I would have just done it. Stuck my neck out and just held out until I landed something that I was interested in. I didn't have a family to support, and I always found a way to make ends meet until a job came along. I would do anything, and because of this, I've gained a lot of skills, but none of them are really useful for what I am trying to do now. It's a lot like starting over.
I'm afraid that I won't land a position. I'm afraid that with the economy the way it is, and companies having the ability to be choosy, they will. I need someone to take a chance, and try my skills out. I have been honing them for several years. Constant education, I spend every waking minute that I can learning and trying to better myself. I can fix a computer 1000 miles away without ever seeing it, but that doesn't look good on a resume. I'm putting myself through college to earn a degree just so that I have a piece of paper to show someone someday.
Meanwhile, I'm at a job that I loathe just to pay the bills that I have. I stay up half of the night every single night after work and spend my weekends with my face shoved into my computer or a book. I stay up between 16 and 20 hours a day just to make time to educate myself. Some days I don't even sleep at all and go for 2 or 3 days; it's occasional, but happens, and then I crash for a day to catch up.
If I'm not at my day job, I'm busy working on a project or learning something. I spend a lot of time alone. My wife gets frustrated because I spend so much time occupied with other things, and I have to keep telling her that this will all pay off someday, and hope I'm not lying; somehow she still holds out hope which is encouraging. I know I'm sacrificing time with my kids, but my goal is to have more time for them when I actually start my career and I can slow down.
It makes it even harder when I'm preaching to others that you should "never waste your life doing something you're not happy doing" but at the same time I am. I'm at a job that I absolutely loathe, but maintaining it in hopes that one day I will have a job I love, doing exactly what I want to do. I want to be happy, and have the life I've always wanted, but never have.
Its frustrating! I have all of these skills, but everyone wants to see the documentation. So far in school I have taken a bunch of technical classes and bought books I've never opened because I already know the information. Everyone I know comes to me or sends people to me to help fix their computer issues, but I can't get a job working in the field because everyone wants a piece of paper confirming that I know what I'm talking about. It's frustrating.
I need someone to take a chance on me, and I feel like I'm begging the world, and that's even more frustrating.
May 23, 2012
I Don't Want to be a Millionaire
It's true, I don't want to be a Millionaire, a Billionaire, or even just filthy rich. I know living in a western capitalist society that it sounds strange, or even unheard of, but it's absolutely true. I don't want to be rich. I urge to be comfortable, and have some money in the bank, but I don't want the hassle of being rich. I never have, and I suspect that I never will. I honestly hope that is a trait I can pass onto my children as well.
Why don't I want to be rich? I guess that's the complicated part. I don't want the hassle, and I do not see any reason for it. I see celebrities showered in free gifts, and given millions of dollars for absolutely no reason. I don't see a reason why, in a world where there are people starving to death, why 1 person should be making millions and billions of dollars; I find that absolutely appalling.
I'm no saint by any stretch of the imagination, but I do have morals. I don't understand why people who can absolutely afford anything should be given anything free of charge, just to get a brand out there. It blows my mind, and simultaneously pisses me off to no end. Why go through the trouble of ensuring that a celebrity gets a free pair of shoes, but millions of children in our own country have trouble obtaining a decent pair.
That's just some of it. I don't understand how we live in a "tough economic climate" and yet there are record profits being made, and unemployment is out of control. I just don't understand it. We have trillions of dollars in debt, and yet we made 128 new billionaires this year alone. The original Forbes list can be found Here. It blows my mind.
I understand that hard work pays off. I have been a hard worker most of my life, and I still struggle, but I also have the insane notion that also defines me. I honestly do hope that one day my hard work does add up, and I do land a great job with great pay with great people. But I don't want to be rich in the process. I want to live comfortably. That is my goal in life, to work for myself from home, and be able to be comfortable doing so. I don't even want to be well off with no worries in life, I just want to be comfortable. That doesn't seem like an outlandish dream, it actually sounds mundane in comparison to some of the fiscal goals I've discussed with others.
I do know this, if I did have millions of dollars, there would be a lot of happy charities. I'd still make my kids get jobs, and they would work them. Sure, I would help them out here or there, but they would honestly grow to understand the value of a dollar and how much it means to make that dollar.
I don't want to be remembered for the amount of money I had while alive. I want to be remembered for the legacy I left behind. Currency cannot be taken with us when we pass, but the value of what we left behind can be felt for generations.
Photo taken by: Hoboton and hosted at stock.xchng.
Why don't I want to be rich? I guess that's the complicated part. I don't want the hassle, and I do not see any reason for it. I see celebrities showered in free gifts, and given millions of dollars for absolutely no reason. I don't see a reason why, in a world where there are people starving to death, why 1 person should be making millions and billions of dollars; I find that absolutely appalling.
I'm no saint by any stretch of the imagination, but I do have morals. I don't understand why people who can absolutely afford anything should be given anything free of charge, just to get a brand out there. It blows my mind, and simultaneously pisses me off to no end. Why go through the trouble of ensuring that a celebrity gets a free pair of shoes, but millions of children in our own country have trouble obtaining a decent pair.
That's just some of it. I don't understand how we live in a "tough economic climate" and yet there are record profits being made, and unemployment is out of control. I just don't understand it. We have trillions of dollars in debt, and yet we made 128 new billionaires this year alone. The original Forbes list can be found Here. It blows my mind.
I understand that hard work pays off. I have been a hard worker most of my life, and I still struggle, but I also have the insane notion that also defines me. I honestly do hope that one day my hard work does add up, and I do land a great job with great pay with great people. But I don't want to be rich in the process. I want to live comfortably. That is my goal in life, to work for myself from home, and be able to be comfortable doing so. I don't even want to be well off with no worries in life, I just want to be comfortable. That doesn't seem like an outlandish dream, it actually sounds mundane in comparison to some of the fiscal goals I've discussed with others.
I do know this, if I did have millions of dollars, there would be a lot of happy charities. I'd still make my kids get jobs, and they would work them. Sure, I would help them out here or there, but they would honestly grow to understand the value of a dollar and how much it means to make that dollar.
I don't want to be remembered for the amount of money I had while alive. I want to be remembered for the legacy I left behind. Currency cannot be taken with us when we pass, but the value of what we left behind can be felt for generations.
Photo taken by: Hoboton and hosted at stock.xchng.
May 20, 2012
Close friends
I've always been the type of person to have few friends. I've always had many associates, but only a few friends. I don't count how popular I am with the amount of friends I possess, but on the quality of friends that I possess.
For me, life isn't about being famous or rich. I don't wish for either, and never have. When you pass, those qualities won't mean anything wherever it is you go. No, I prefer to live my life to the best of my ability. I don't surround myself with superficial people whom I share no interests with, but people I can count on and who can count on me.
All of my life I have retained few friends, but those friends I imagine I will have until one of us leave this planet. And for that, I remain humbled and grateful by my association with them. They are truly amazing individuals, and each with a personality of their own.
As the sun goes down this evening, I take a moment and think of these individuals, and thank them for all that they have done for me, and hopefully I've done just as much for them. I thank them for coming into my life, usually at times when it seemed like fate, and helping me to become the man that I am today.
Two such individuals have begun blogs for themselves, and you can meet them for yourself. I can personally vouch for both of these men, and hopefully you can take something away yourself when you've been informally introduced through their words.
Eros Helios can be found at View From the Sun and Bear can be found at Bear's Den.
I encourage you to check them both out.
For me, life isn't about being famous or rich. I don't wish for either, and never have. When you pass, those qualities won't mean anything wherever it is you go. No, I prefer to live my life to the best of my ability. I don't surround myself with superficial people whom I share no interests with, but people I can count on and who can count on me.
All of my life I have retained few friends, but those friends I imagine I will have until one of us leave this planet. And for that, I remain humbled and grateful by my association with them. They are truly amazing individuals, and each with a personality of their own.
As the sun goes down this evening, I take a moment and think of these individuals, and thank them for all that they have done for me, and hopefully I've done just as much for them. I thank them for coming into my life, usually at times when it seemed like fate, and helping me to become the man that I am today.
Two such individuals have begun blogs for themselves, and you can meet them for yourself. I can personally vouch for both of these men, and hopefully you can take something away yourself when you've been informally introduced through their words.
Eros Helios can be found at View From the Sun and Bear can be found at Bear's Den.
I encourage you to check them both out.
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